i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
