I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
