thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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