i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
