Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
