No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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