HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
