I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
