i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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