Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
