actually, I'm a sock model
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
