R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
