there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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