i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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