I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
