I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
