babies were throwing up all over the place
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
