I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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