She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
