how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
