two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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