i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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