I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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