I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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