I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
