It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
