I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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