Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dicks are not precious.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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