At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
