I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
