Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
