Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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