Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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