Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
