I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
