Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
