there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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