he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
