On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
