If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
