bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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