Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
