did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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