i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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