Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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