I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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