I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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