if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
