i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
