one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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