First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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