At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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